Bloviation | Super Power Genesis

Not long ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer, and while he is presently finishing up his round of treatments and doing well, at the onset he was searching for silver linings in order to maintain a positive attitude (To protect his privacy, I have scrambled his name and will refer to him as moT). It didn't take long for moT to realize that due to his treatment he was going to have direct exposure to high doses of radiation, thus he looked forward to developing super powers.

Figure-1: Amazing Spider Man	Figure-2: Dr. Manhattan

As logic would follow, what worked for the Hulk, Dr. Manhattan, The Fantastic Four, Spiderman, Joan Rivers, etc, should work for him. Why not? We speculated on when and what those powers would be, and whether to expect him to use them for good or evil. I've known moT for many years. At my wedding, he shared best man duties with my brother. MoT has the kind of personality that would be effective in either alignment; an acute sense of justice, inability to hold grudges, adept at instant pun derivation, deviant sense of humor. One day he might rescue kittens in from the cold, and the next he would vaporize a dozen cars and their occupants, one-by-one, for driving too fast through his residential neighborhood. If the universe should grant powers to anyone, this is our person. The entertainment value alone should move his probability up a few ticks. Meanwhile, moT has had many radiation exposures, and super powers have yet to manifest. And while his friends and family have moved on to dealing with other issues, I have remained focused in my research, working out why his super powers never arrived.

The Figure-3: Incredible Middle Aged Hulk	Figure-4: Joan Rivers

I have divided my subjects into two groups as part of a double-blind placebo-controlled experiment, and sent out pills that are either packed with sugar (placebo control group) or cosmic rays (experimental group). For the sake of accurate statistics, if you have already developed super powers, please notify me off line so we can remove you from the list. Otherwise, continue to take the pills each morning with breakfast. Three placebos should be enough to sweeten your coffee. The other half of you may enjoy a refreshing burst of protons (please ignore the RDA warnings on the bottles).

Figure-5: Double-blind placebo-controlled experiment

So far my data support the hypothesis that direct exposure to radiation is not the proper procedure for super power genesis (SPG). It turns out, radiation cures cancer, then causes it, then cures it again. So if you must be exposed to it, make sure you get the timing just right as you'll want to shut down your rads during one of the good moments. For successful SPG, as seen in the case of the Hulk, Spiderman, Fantastic Four (Lee, Ditko, Kirby, et al) a subject must be indirectly exposed to radiation, exposed during moments of intense, emotional stress, or exposed via or in combination with a secondary agent. Case Studies:

Bruce Banner's gamma radiation exposure occurred during a bomb test while under high emotional duress (he was busy flinging Rick Jones into a trench). The stress of the moment, in combination with other elements used to control the bomb explosion parameters are the likely cause of Banner's successful SPG.

The case of The Fantastic Four involved cosmic rays (80% proton, 10% helium nucleus, 10% heavier elements from solar matter in the storm. Not by coincidence I use the same ingredients in your pills, if they don't sweeten your coffee). However it is suspected that exposure outside the Earth's magnetic field in combination with proton interference from the aluminum in the space suits and hull of the experimental craft were the causal agents in this successful SPG.

The cases of Jon Osterman, aka Dr. Manhattan (Moore, Gibbons, Higgins, et al) and Joan Rivers (Hoefflin, Fisher, et al) require too much suspension of disbelief and must be rejected as outlier data for this experiment.

Peter Parker was bitten by a spider that was exposed to radioactivity. Thus, secondary exposure via the spider, combined with the spider's venom as transport agent were causal agents in his SPG into the Amazing Spiderman.

Based on my experiments and from our case studies, it can be concluded that moT cannot, in fact experience successful SPG, given that his direct radiation exposure does not involve any of the required secondary elements. Therefore, I must do the responsible thing and return all the pairs of donated sweatpants we were collecting in anticipation of his eventual metamorphosis.

However, while moT should not expect to develop his own super powers, based on our case studies (specifically Peter Parker's) he may be able to play the role of catalyst in the SPG of another. If moT were to himself, bite a spider, there is a strong probability of the spider developing human characteristics, undergoing SPG and becoming The Amazing Manspider. This would be a spider that has the following power characteristics:

• Rational/Abstract thought
• Usage of tools
• Bipedal Locomotion
• "My man-senses are tingling"
• Comprehension of traffic signs/signals
• Upward Career Mobility Potential
• Navigate the World Wide Web (It is likely Al Gore is a Manspider)

Figure-6: The Amazing Manspider (Artist Rendition)

Before committing himself to arachnid mastication activities, it is recommended that moT should engage his own powers of rational abstract thought to be certain he is willing to endow his attributes to a spider. With great power comes great responsibility, after all. While a human with spider abilities gains tremendous advantages in our world, human characteristics on a spider are more likely to be a handicap in the arachnid world. Only moments after gaining sentience and pondering the meaning of the life, our Friendly Neighborhood Manspider is likely to be stung, paralyzed, and dragged off by a parasitoid wasp (such wasps, like the Hawk Wasp, are quite common in the animal kingdom, where they lay their eggs to incubate inside the body of a paralyzed victim. The developing wasp larvae consume the victim from the inside out!).

Even if he survives long enough to develop his man powers, is there even a point to heroism for Arthropods? What behavior constitutes a crime in the violent, no rules, no-holds-barred insect world anyway? Stealing a bug from someone else's web? Not devouring your mate after intercourse? Laying eggs into the wrong larvae? Perhaps moT would be better off keeping his radio active venom safely outside any spiders for fear that this might result:

Figure-7: The Amazing Manspider (Case Study Photo)

Manspider Theme Song
by withanar ©2009

Manspider, Manspider,
Ineffectual crimefighter
Uses tools, walks upright
Chickens out when it's time to fight
Oh Noes!
There goes the Manspider.

Is he strong?
No he's not!
He's got rational/abstract thought.
Tries to swing from a thread
Opts to take stairs instead
Hey, there
There goes the Manspider.

In the chill of night
He goes out and gets lost.
Like a streak of light
He gets killed by a wasp.

Figure-8: Oh Noes! There goes the Manspider :-(